02.05.03

1:28 p.m.

i wrote this on october twenty seventh, nineteen ninety eight:

The other day, driving down the interstate with pam, from plattsburgh, approaching albany, playing twenty questions. Past all those wonderful orange red trees and reflective water ponds shining sun light back. Coming off explaining her thoughts on that one certain girl, she asks me what it is that makes life livable these days.

I told her now that the yankees aren't playing, nothing much- and that was the end of that.

And that was a lie.

I live for that smell of autumn cold mornings, and the way steam coming off coffee plays with the chill; I live for playing go fish when we're all high, in the kitchen and hiding; I live for those emotions that never die, and never will; I live for finishing daisy and the running of the bulls one day; I live for marty scorsese movies and elmore leonard books; I live for buffy the vampire slayer and dawson's creek and seeing serena altschul at two in the morning; I live for those first few days of spring when everything's soft, everything's precious; I live for the chemical brothers when I'm sleepy and waking, the counting crows at night and real drunk; I live for christ and buddha both; I live for my dreams of writing for rolling stone one day; I live for those friends that seem so far away and lost; I live for champagne when the yankees win the pennant; I live for my parents that always help and seem to hate, and I never could blame them; I live for the hope of that one love one day; I live for drastic hair cuts and laughing, never crying; I live for audrey hepburn, those beautiful paris eyes of her's; I live for remembering those fun nights that used to happen; I live for the honeymooners; I live for them freight trains rumbling far off when I sleep; I live for those kerouac books that keep coming; I live for sadness; I live for happiness; I live for joy and angels and desolation; I live for finding everything that I keep looking for; I live for spontaneity; I live for the possibility of sucking out the marrow like theroau said.

I live for the beauty of day to day life.

I live and I breathe and I'm always disappointed. But I never am. Ever.

if you would like to read more of things like this, click here and look for anything before the year two thousand.

these are from my old webpage, which used to live at protoculture.com. before that, it moved around the internet from free server to free server. it all started sometime in late ninety six.

i gave up on the whole thing sometime in nineteen nintey nine, just before the new year, for reasons i'm still not all too clear on.

i think i had just lost the heart for it, for various reasons.