02.01.07

5:15 a.m.

certain people get certain songs.

every time i hear 'please forgive me' i think of you.

you get a couple of other songs too, but- please forgive me- that's yours completely and totally. that describes all of it. all of it, where my head was at and, i don't know,

you would most definitely own 'this years love' as well, if it weren't for another someone who claimed it first. but really, that was a waste. she- i don't know- i shouldn't have given her that song. honestly. if i could go back, i would have saved that one for you.

and other people. other people get other songs. 'trying your luck' by the strokes is for you know who.

and, i mean, there were other songs. songs that she got before all of that. you know, happier songs. and i'm sure, once enough time has passed to allow some perspective on things, that she'll get those songs back maybe. but for now, for now all she gets is 'trying your luck.'

and i can't even listen to coldplay anymore because of her. and they were my fucking band. they were mine. i fucking loved coldplay.

not that i really make a point of listening to david gray that much anymore either, but. i don't know.

is this the same way for you? in general, with memories i mean. i don't know, maybe it's just me.

although there is this one david gray song that i listen to a bunch. 'shine.' have you heard that one? i love that song. but that's a song for me though, i keep that to myself.

and there are songs that i listen to and hope that i can give away one day. and those, really- those are the best songs. those songs make me the most happy.

like 'blue in green.' i hope to one day meet a someone who makes me feel the way that that song makes me feel. you know the end? where the piano just rolls over and over and gets all tide like? it's like the warmest blanket the world has ever known. i want to meet someone who has a hug like that.

and there are silly songs too. like 'barely legal.' 'barely legal' has become the soundtrack of the walk of a co-worker of mine. her strut is like the guitar from that song.

silly right? uh huh.

but, i don't know-

it's five in the morning (!). ack. work soon and no sleep. and actually, i just decided that not listening to coldplay is stupid. really. really, they are mine.

and outside just now, smoking a cigarette. and there's sooo much fog. so much, it looks like the world is on fire. and i was listening to 'help is just around the corner' and 'careful where you stand.' and really, it was just a perfect moment.

really.

so, i don't know. maybe i'm just making this all up. who knows.

or maybe, maybe it's only this way when i want it to be.